Reunited Angels

He had the most beautiful blonde hair, skin as soft as an angel, and a smile that would melt your heart. His name was Andrew Chance Garcia, a heavenly angel sent from God. I had the honor of meeting Andrew, his Mom...Sarah, his Dad...Jerry, his oldest sister....Katie, and his sister....Emmie on October 23, 2010. I often find myself thinking back on this visit and how meeting this beautiful child and his family changed not only my life, but my daughter's life as well.

I received a call from Drew's mom, Sarah shortly after our arrival home. Her family, was traveling and would be coming near our part of town. It was only months earlier that I had met Sarah through an online support group for those who had children with Hydranencephaly. We quickly, hit it off and she was one of the many that helped bring the "momma bear" out of me when Gabby was hospitalized. I became so excited, and although Gabby was not in the best of health, I thought this may be a good oppurtunity for Gabby and myself.

Although I was eager for the visit, I had my fears too. My daughter Gabby, born with Hydranencephaly was kept a sheltered life. I did everything I could to protect my daughter from illness, and this meant avoiding children due to fear of her being exposed to germs. Gabby had just returned home after a month stay at Children's Hospital due to chronic infections and a shunt surgery. I must admit that I was afraid of this visit being too much on her so soon, but I knew that Gabby needed to experience spending time with a child her own age and same condition. I just knew in my heart it would do her good.

October 23, 2010 was a day that I remember like it was yesterday. It was warm, and perfect weather for Gabby and I to stroll up the street to meet the Garcia family at the lake. We greeted one another and I immediately fell in love with Drew the moment I saw him. His eyes so big, and his smile that went from ear to ear. We went back to our house and just talked like we knew each other for years. I have never met such a kind loving family.

The time came where Jerry decided to take Katie and Emmie back to the RV so Drew and Gabby could have some time alone with their mommies. We laid them on a blanket and just let them interact. The reaction we got out of the two was priceless. Drew, never took his eyes off Gabby. He would sing to her and do everything he could to get her attention (even trying to bite her shoulder). Gabby, spent her first few minutes playing hard to get and slept. Once Drew got her attention though, she woke up and joined him by trying to grab his hand, holding his arms, and just making beautiful conversation that only those two could understand. From that moment on, we knew we had a special, unique friendship that would last an eternity.

Sarah and I took photos of these two and have cheerished these photos from that day on. Gabby passed away that following November. I always told Sarah that Gabby had met her goal in life and that was meeting Drew. These two had a bond that was like no other. I believe that God sent them to one another, and I beleive that he sent Sarah and I to one another as well.

Sarah and I have remained close since our first meeting and always talk about that day in October when Gabby found her best friend Drew...her soulmate. Sadly, Drew passed away on January 29, 2012. His parents are deeply grieving his loss and are just trying to make it second by second. I will never forget that day when this beautiful angel came into our lives. I truly believe that God brought these two togehter. As difficult as today has been, I just know that Gabby and Drew are hand in hand in Heaven, playing in God's garden with all the other angels.

Love Follows Me

It has now been over a year since Gabby has left her journey on earth, to begin her new life in heaven. Although, a year has passed, my journey as a grieving mother still lives on. It is a journey that will follow me the remaining days of my life. I once believed that life without Gabby wouldn't go on, that her loss would only bring me heartache that would never heal, and I would have to continue to live my life in a world filled with sorrow and pain. I am glad to say, I no longer believe this.

The thoughts of Gabby have not lessend since losing her. I continue to think of Gabby every minute of everyday. She is the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of before I fall asleep. In the beginning, these thoughts of her brought heartache and sorrow as it only reminded me of her loss and the empty feeling that remains within me. Today, these thoughts of her fill my heart with joy, and the emptiness I once felt is lessening.

Although, I had so much support from friends and family, one thing I could never escape was the feeling of lonliness. It followed me with every move I made. I was so angry at God and even more angry with Gabby for leaving me alone to deal with this pain. I am now realizing that God, nor Gabby have never left my side during this journey. I am beginning to feel Gabby's love in every move I make. I feel her love and presence in the warmth of the sun, I feel her touch as the wind brushes my cheek, I feel her tears as the rain falls on my skin, and I see her smile as she comes to me in my dreams.

I believe Gabby's presence has always been with me, Gabby has never left my side. I cannot see Gabby's presence, but I know it is there, I feel it everyday, and because of this...I know her love follows me.

Loss Finds Me Again

On November 27, 2011, my world was shattered once again as I found out my only brother had passed away. Not only was that event tragic, but what made the whole situation worse was the fact that it happened one day after Gabby's Angelversary. How could I lose my daughter one year earlier, then my brother. Although, I was devestated by my brother's loss and my heart ached deeply, there was one thing that kept entering my mind. My father, has now entered the life of a grieiving parent.

As I wathched my father break down and cry, I was at a loss for words. I knew there were no words that would comfort him or ease his pain. My heart broke for my loss, but it broke more for my father. How can it be that someone like me, who knows the feeling of such a loss, not be able to provide comforting words to my father. I wanted to tell him it would be ok, that he is in a better place, that it gets easier, but I knew that none of those words were of comfort to me as I heard them and still do after one year of losing Gabby. All I could do was hug my father and tell him that I am here for him and that I loved him.

It has been 10 days since my father entered the life of a grieving parent and although he appears to be fine on the outside, I know that on the inside he is filled with so much sorrow and pain. That everytime I look at him, I know what he is thinking. There isn't a second that goes by where Gabby is not in my mind and I know that is the same for my father in regards to my brother.

Lately, it seems as if life has been throwing some very difficult blows. Each blow, seems to knock me down. Although, the blows are hard, I find my way back up and brush myself off. I will not let life keep me down, I will get up, no matter how painful the blow.

Its Been One Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of Gabby's passing. The past year has been quite a journey. A journey of many ups and downs. Today has been one of the most difficult days of this journey. It has been nearly as difficult as the day she died. I made a promise to Gabby that I will not let grief overcome me. I will remain strong, and continue to live my life honoring Gabby. With Gabby by my side, I am determined to make it through this journey.

Today, I decided to honor Gabby by taking her some beautiful red roses, an angel windchime, and some beautiful balloons that I released into the sky. I watched the balloons as they soared high above the trees, then disappear beyond the clouds, as if they entered into heaven for Gabby to grab. Just the thought of her being in one of the most beautiful places on earth, free of harm, free of pain, surrounded by angels as they sing to all our loved ones, brought so much peace and happiness to me.

As the time of her actual death draws near, I find myself coping with some of the tragic thoughts. I am finding myself reliving the last moments of her life. These thoughts often enter my mind, but have been much harder today. These thoughts, by far, have been one of the hardest parts of dealing with grief. There is nothing like reliving your child's death over and over again. I know, this is a normal part of grief, and it is a part of the PTSD I now deal with. The frequency of these thoughts are less often and I am grateful for that. I am not sure if these thoughts will ever subside completely, but I have faith that as time goes on...these thoughts will be easier to cope with.

I had a family member ask me the other day if the pain of losing my daughter has eased. I don't ever believe I will get over the pain of losing my daughter. The pain will always remain. One year after her passing, I find that I have more good days than bad. On the downside, when I do have a bad day, the pain is far greater than the bad days in the beginning. Perhaps that is because the painful days occur less often. The sad days are emotionally draining, and are a very difficult part of this journey, but to me, they just remind me of how much my daughter is missed and how much she was loved. They have become a part of my life and I have accepted that. It is for that reason, I will always welcome those sad days.

Dear God

Dear God,
In six short days it will be one year since your son...Jesus, took my daughter's hand, and lead her into Heaven's Kingdom to be with you. Although, I have come to terms with my daughter's death and have accepted it, I am still full of so many questions and there is so much I still don't understand.

I often hear people tell me to have faith and there is a reason for everything. There have been many times after Gabby's passing that I have questioned my faith. I have never doubted you or your existence, but sometimes I wonder why such awful things have to happen. Why do you allow so much pain and heartache? Why is it, I often feel so alone on my journey? Why is it that my child had to die? Why is it, that no matter how hard I try, my life gets harder? I often wonder what I did to deserve so much pain and heartache. Perhaps, I have not accepted my daughter's death. Maybe, I never will. Perhaps it is too early in my grief to know. Often, it seems as if my prayers go unanswered. One of the hardest parts of my journey has been questioning my faith. I just feel like when I need you the most, you arent here. At times, I am so angry with you. I don't want to be angry with you. I can't be angry with you! I have to have peace in my heart. Don't you understand? I need to have my faith...I need to know that my daughter and I will be together again. I need to know that someday, I will be forgiven for my doubts.

I've been told Angels know the secrets to Heaven. The secrets to the answers I long to know. My daughter is among those angels. I know in your time, I will know the answers I long for. Perhaps, one day, Gabby will whisper in the wind and tell me not to worry and that everything will be ok. Until then, I must keep my faith, and believe that although you might not answer right away...at some point...my prayers will be answered.

Love Truly,

Jen

Picking Up The Pieces

"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone" ~Rose Kennedy

I am an angel mom. I have lived the pain that most people cannot imagine. A pain, far from any pain imaginable. A pain, that changes your life forever. It has been nine months since I began this new life. It is a life far from my old one and a life I must learn to live.

I have yet to cope with this new way of living. The person I once was...is no longer. I have not been able to identify exactly who the new me is and this is something I fight with daily. I can say that the loss of my daughter has brought many positive changes to my life. I see the beauty in things I never imagined I would. The rain, once an incovience, has become the most beautiful of all things. I imagine the rain as tears falling from heaven as the angels weep for those they miss. I always tell Gabby when the rain falls, that I miss her too. The sun, so warm, reminds me of how much my daughter loved to be in the warmth of its power. It was my daughters means of seeing from the cortical blindness that affected her vision. The moon, has become my nightlight from heaven. It shines its brightness on me as my Gabby watches from above.

After losing Gabby, I never thought there would be any beauty in life, but I was wrong. The world has become more beautiful. I never imagined I would smile again, but just like the tears come, so do the smiles and laughs. I recently found myself having a good day, something I never thought could happen after Gabby left this world. The tears that once fell daily, fall less often. I still struggle with the feeling of lonlieness and it occurs quite often. I could be surrounded by many friends and family, but yet feel so alone. I envy those parents who still have their children. I envy those who get to see their child grow, laugh, play, and do the things I will never get to enjoy with my daughter. I still deal with crying spells and have accepeted the fact that they will hit me without warning and at any place. I believe these days will be a part of my new life and will last until the day I join Gabby.

I have not overcome my child's death, nor do I think I will ever overcome it. I am grateful that my bad days have lessened and I am able to smile, laugh, and see such wonderful beauty in this world. I have a long way to go on this journey but I now have hope, and that is a big step in this journey. I have began to pick up the pieces in my life and although I know I will never be able to pick up all the pieces, what little pieces I have picked up is a great start.

The Lesson: Patience

Dwight D. Eisenhower wrote "There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were". Often, this quote runs through my mind as I try to piece together what remains of me after the loss of my daughter. It has been nearly eight months since I began this journey and and I frequently wonder what benefits could come from such a horrible and painful loss.

I have been blessed to meet some of the most amazing people throughout my journey. Individuals who know all too well, the pain of losing a child. These grieving parents have provided me with hope when I feel as if all hope is gone. They have provided me with strength when I feel my weakest and they have provided me with company when I feel my lonliest.

Although, my friends who've lost a child provide me and have comforted me in so many ways, they are not the only ones that I am grateful for. I will be forever grateful to friends, family, and my social network friends/family who have been by my side to comfort me. Since this journey begin (even before Gabby's passing) I have met some of the most amazing people. People who I may have never met, but feel their love from places and countries all over the world. Without the support of friends, family, and my social network group I would have never made it this far.

When you lose a child, the pain is unimaginable. Unless you have lost a child yourself, you cant begin to understand the pain that is felt. Although, I realize that no one is aware of my feelings except other grieving parents. I now realize that even those who are close to me, but have not lost a child, still feel my pain.

Today, I went to visit Gabby at the cemetery. On my way their, I was thinking about my journey. I started to get upset as I thought to myself, "why doesn't anyone ever talk about Gabby"? My previous answer to that question was, people have moved on, they have forgotten about Gabby. Then I thought to myself, I know no one has forgot Gabby. Death is an uncomfortable subject. It is a subject that is avoided at all cost. It is even more uncomfortable when it involves a loss as tragic as a child. I remember becoming upset as I brought up Gabby in conversations and watched those I was talking to begin showing signs of nervousness. You would often see a shifting in position, the person moving further away, and them no longer giving eye contact. I took it offensively, when really it was nothing more than a reaction to an uncomfortable subject. We have all dealt with the loss of someone in our life and it is never an easy subject to discuss. I have been guilty of changing the subjects during uncomfortable conversations or completly avoiding them all together. I became more engaged in my thoughts and wondered if I could be responsible for many of the reactions and why people are so scared to discuss the loss of my child. I will be the first to admit that I have been short with people who have said things that I feel are inappropriate. Perhaps it is this reaction that scares people from approaching grieving parents. There is a quote that says "Unless you have lost a child, don't tell me how to feel". Before my child died, I was a non-grieving parent who often said things that now offend me. I am guilty of saying "I need a break", "I just wish I could sleep", "I wish I had a day with no doctor's appointments". It wasn't until my child's passing that those things I once wanted, now became times I treasured and wish I still had. Many of us never anticipated losing our child, but it happened, and it could happen to anyone.

Patience is a necessity for grieving parents. We need to have the patience of all those in our lives. Allow us the time to grieve and heal. We will never heal completely and each person will grieve differently. Not only do I as a grieving parent need patience, but as a greiving mom I need to be patient to those who don't fully understand what I am going through...just not that long ago I was that person.