Her pictures are scattered throughout my room and within the house. Her molded hand and feet prints are next to my bed along with a baggie of her hair from the hospital. As I lay down for bed, her blankets and stuffed unicorn that I received from her hospice nurses lay next to me. I wrap my arms tightly around those things as I fall to sleep each night. This helps me to cope and makes me feel comforted.
As a parent who is new to grief, I find myself asking the questions "why wont anyone mention my daughter's name"? I don't take offense to this, because I know the answer to that question.....they are afraid. They have not forgotten my daughter, they are afraid to mention her name because of fear it may hurt me and make me cry. Don't be afraid when you see me to ask "how I am doing", don't be afraid to mention "Gabby's" name, and definitely don't be afraid to talk about her memories and say "Remember when Gabby held her own bottle".
You see, the only thing I am afraid of is people forgetting about Gabby. Gabby was an amazing child who gave so much to so many in such a short time. I want everyone who knew her to remember her and allow her legacy to live on. If her name is mentioned, I will likely cry, but not because you made me think of her. There isn't a minute of the day that goes by where I am not thinking of her. My tears will be from the pain and hurt of losing her, not because her name was mentioned. They will be tears of joy as well, it means someone has kept my daughters memory alive, and for that I will be forever grateful.
Please Don't Be Afraid.....
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
"Grief" My Never Ending Ride
It has been nearly two months since I heard those words that all parents fear, the words I relive everyday, "I'm sorry, but she didn't make it" haunt my daily life. Unfortionately, these are the words I knew I would someday hear after my daughter's diagnosis of Hydranencephaly ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydranencephaly). Although, I knew the grim reality of this diagnosis and accepted the fact that I would most likely outlive my child, it never prepared me for the never-ending roller coaster ride I am now on.
"Grief" is the name of this roller coaster ride that I find myself on. It is a bumpy ride filled with many ups and downs and no matter how hard I try to stop this ride, it will not. I find myself climbing the hills of happiness as I remember the pleasant thoughts of our daughter and the amazing joy she brought to our life. These are the days I think to myself "Everything will be okay".
Unfortionately, with every hill you go up, you must come back down. Going down happens quickly, without warning. It is unclear when it is coming, and takes your breath away. Your stomach flips as you are overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and sadness. These are the days I think to myself "I can't do this anymore, when will it stop".
Although, I am on one of the most scariest rides, I have faith that this ride, like all others, will become easier. I believe the fear I am feeling will soon subside and I will learn to deal with the ups and downs as they come. I realize I am on a ride that is never-ending, but with time this ride will become smoother and much easier to deal with.
For everyone, grief is different. There is no set time frame on when the pain will ease or how we will deal with it. Grief has many stages and you never know how long one stage may last. It is common to go through stages more than once. For those who are dealing with grief, be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to go through each stage and never be afraid to ask for support if needed.
"Grief" is the name of this roller coaster ride that I find myself on. It is a bumpy ride filled with many ups and downs and no matter how hard I try to stop this ride, it will not. I find myself climbing the hills of happiness as I remember the pleasant thoughts of our daughter and the amazing joy she brought to our life. These are the days I think to myself "Everything will be okay".
Unfortionately, with every hill you go up, you must come back down. Going down happens quickly, without warning. It is unclear when it is coming, and takes your breath away. Your stomach flips as you are overwhelmed with fear, anxiety, and sadness. These are the days I think to myself "I can't do this anymore, when will it stop".
Although, I am on one of the most scariest rides, I have faith that this ride, like all others, will become easier. I believe the fear I am feeling will soon subside and I will learn to deal with the ups and downs as they come. I realize I am on a ride that is never-ending, but with time this ride will become smoother and much easier to deal with.
For everyone, grief is different. There is no set time frame on when the pain will ease or how we will deal with it. Grief has many stages and you never know how long one stage may last. It is common to go through stages more than once. For those who are dealing with grief, be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to go through each stage and never be afraid to ask for support if needed.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Dear Gabby
Dear Gabby,
Today I sit and look at your pictures, but that is nothing new, I look at your pictures daily. As I look at your pictures, I try to think of your beautiful soft skin and what it felt like to touch you. You had the smoothest, most flawless skin in the world. I am so scared that I am going to forget what you felt like. It's been over a month now since I last held you and my arms are so empty without you.
I go to the cemetery almost daily and feel such comfort in our visits. Your headstone should be coming in soon. At times I can't wait for your headstone to come in, but then I dread it because it makes your death so final. I don't know if I'm ready for your death to be final. At times, I dream that you come back to life and the doctors just say "Gabby's back" and go about their business. Then I wake up and realize it was just a dream and that you are never coming back.
Since you been gone, I have tried getting back into the swing of things. Going back to work and just learning how to go about living half alive. That's how I live, half alive, because when you left, a peice of me died along with you. My heart shattered into a million peices when you died and I am not sure if my heart will ever be in one peice again. I have faith that time does ease pain, but I know that I will always ache for you.
I often think of the conversation we had weeks prior to your death. It was the conversation in which I told you that if you ever got too tired or were in too much pain, that mommy would understand if you needed to move on. I get so angry at myself for giving you permission to leave me, but your life was full of suffering. Doctors wanted you on valium six times a day and versed as needed. We watched as you had more "storms" and just saw the misery in your eyes. You were so tired and just wore out. I wanted you to know that you had permission to move on if needed. I just didn't think you would go so soon. I thought you would do your magic and that you would pop out of it and be fine like you did so many times before. We always said "Gabby never does anything she don't want to" so I know you were ready to move on and I just need to accept that. Mommy is just being selfish because she don't have you anymore. I need to learn to be happy for you because you are at peace now and are no longer suffering.
Mommy will be strong for you and will get through this. It is going to be difficult, but I know that I can do it. I never make promises, but I am going to make a promise to you and that promise is that I will get through this. I have four words for you Gabby and that is "Blink Of An Eye", in other words, someday I believe that I will see you and hold you again and when that time comes, however long it may be, it will be in "Blink Of An Eye".
Love Always,
Mommy
Today I sit and look at your pictures, but that is nothing new, I look at your pictures daily. As I look at your pictures, I try to think of your beautiful soft skin and what it felt like to touch you. You had the smoothest, most flawless skin in the world. I am so scared that I am going to forget what you felt like. It's been over a month now since I last held you and my arms are so empty without you.
I go to the cemetery almost daily and feel such comfort in our visits. Your headstone should be coming in soon. At times I can't wait for your headstone to come in, but then I dread it because it makes your death so final. I don't know if I'm ready for your death to be final. At times, I dream that you come back to life and the doctors just say "Gabby's back" and go about their business. Then I wake up and realize it was just a dream and that you are never coming back.
Since you been gone, I have tried getting back into the swing of things. Going back to work and just learning how to go about living half alive. That's how I live, half alive, because when you left, a peice of me died along with you. My heart shattered into a million peices when you died and I am not sure if my heart will ever be in one peice again. I have faith that time does ease pain, but I know that I will always ache for you.
I often think of the conversation we had weeks prior to your death. It was the conversation in which I told you that if you ever got too tired or were in too much pain, that mommy would understand if you needed to move on. I get so angry at myself for giving you permission to leave me, but your life was full of suffering. Doctors wanted you on valium six times a day and versed as needed. We watched as you had more "storms" and just saw the misery in your eyes. You were so tired and just wore out. I wanted you to know that you had permission to move on if needed. I just didn't think you would go so soon. I thought you would do your magic and that you would pop out of it and be fine like you did so many times before. We always said "Gabby never does anything she don't want to" so I know you were ready to move on and I just need to accept that. Mommy is just being selfish because she don't have you anymore. I need to learn to be happy for you because you are at peace now and are no longer suffering.
Mommy will be strong for you and will get through this. It is going to be difficult, but I know that I can do it. I never make promises, but I am going to make a promise to you and that promise is that I will get through this. I have four words for you Gabby and that is "Blink Of An Eye", in other words, someday I believe that I will see you and hold you again and when that time comes, however long it may be, it will be in "Blink Of An Eye".
Love Always,
Mommy
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