Today marks the one year anniversary of Gabby's passing. The past year has been quite a journey. A journey of many ups and downs. Today has been one of the most difficult days of this journey. It has been nearly as difficult as the day she died. I made a promise to Gabby that I will not let grief overcome me. I will remain strong, and continue to live my life honoring Gabby. With Gabby by my side, I am determined to make it through this journey.
Today, I decided to honor Gabby by taking her some beautiful red roses, an angel windchime, and some beautiful balloons that I released into the sky. I watched the balloons as they soared high above the trees, then disappear beyond the clouds, as if they entered into heaven for Gabby to grab. Just the thought of her being in one of the most beautiful places on earth, free of harm, free of pain, surrounded by angels as they sing to all our loved ones, brought so much peace and happiness to me.
As the time of her actual death draws near, I find myself coping with some of the tragic thoughts. I am finding myself reliving the last moments of her life. These thoughts often enter my mind, but have been much harder today. These thoughts, by far, have been one of the hardest parts of dealing with grief. There is nothing like reliving your child's death over and over again. I know, this is a normal part of grief, and it is a part of the PTSD I now deal with. The frequency of these thoughts are less often and I am grateful for that. I am not sure if these thoughts will ever subside completely, but I have faith that as time goes on...these thoughts will be easier to cope with.
I had a family member ask me the other day if the pain of losing my daughter has eased. I don't ever believe I will get over the pain of losing my daughter. The pain will always remain. One year after her passing, I find that I have more good days than bad. On the downside, when I do have a bad day, the pain is far greater than the bad days in the beginning. Perhaps that is because the painful days occur less often. The sad days are emotionally draining, and are a very difficult part of this journey, but to me, they just remind me of how much my daughter is missed and how much she was loved. They have become a part of my life and I have accepted that. It is for that reason, I will always welcome those sad days.
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