When Gabby was first born and we found out her diagnosis of Hydranencephaly, there were many questions that were asked by family, friends, and people we met throughout her life. The question most frequently asked was "do you wish you would've known about her condition sooner"? Til this day, my answer remains the same...."No". Some of my most joyful times with Gabby was when I was pregnant.
Being pregnant with Gabby was the most wonderful experience in my life. We found out at 20 weeks that we were going to be the proud parents of a beautiful baby girl. I was on top of the world, not only was I going to be a mom, but I was having a daughter. My dream had finally come true. The gentle feel of her moving inside me was the most amazing feeling ever. Mommy and Daddy would spend everynight talking to her and letting Gabby know how much we loved her and couldn't wait for her arrival. I enjoyed all the joyous moments that expecting mothers have such as decorating her room, the baby showers, shopping for Gabby, and mostly her arrival.
Three days after Gabby was born, we found that the dreams we once had for Gabby, were now shattered by a horrifying diagnosis. We were given no hope for our baby girl as the doctors told us not to get attached, and that she would be gone within months. From that moment on, the joy I felt during my pregnancy was gone and was replaced with sadness and grief. Instead of thinking of our daughter's future, all I could think about was planning a funeral. I kept asking "why me", "why Gabby", "what did she do to deserve this". I spent days holding her and crying and always thinking the worst. I became so depressed and filled with anxiety that I needed medication to help me get through each day. Everyday we feared the inevitable. I became so obsessed with keeping her healthy that I sheltered her from life. Rarely did she leave our home because of the fear of her getting ill. I didn't allow her to play with other children in fear of germs, and going into public places was prohibited because I feared illness so much.
I spent all of Gabby's living years grieving for her and because of this I prohibited her from living life to the fullest. I was selfish and didn't allow her to do many things because of my fear. The only time I allowed her to experience life was when I was pregnant with her. I never sheltered her while I was pregnant. She experienced the world as I did. I can't help but thank God for not allowing us to know sooner. If I did, I know I would've began my grieving sooner and never enjoyed the many things I did while I was pregnant.
Special Note: Try not to grieve the living years, be joyous for every minute your child is alive and well. ~Jennifer Bauer
