Dear Gabby

Dear Gabby,

Today I sit and look at your pictures, but that is nothing new, I look at your pictures daily.  As I look at your pictures, I try to think of your beautiful soft skin and what it felt like to touch you.    You had the smoothest, most flawless skin in the world.  I am so scared that I am going to forget what you felt like.  It's been over a month now since I last held you and my arms are so empty without you. 

I go to the cemetery almost daily and feel such comfort in our visits.  Your headstone should be coming in soon.  At times I can't wait for your headstone to come in, but then I dread it because it makes your death so final.  I don't know if I'm ready for your death to be final.  At times, I dream that you come back to life and the doctors just say "Gabby's back" and go about their business.  Then I wake up and realize it was just a dream and that you are never coming back.

Since you been gone, I have tried getting back into the swing of things.  Going back to work and just learning how to go about living half alive.  That's how I live, half alive, because when you left, a peice of me died along with you.  My heart shattered into a million peices when you died and I am not sure if my heart will ever be in one peice again.  I have faith that time does ease pain, but I know that I will always ache for you. 

I often think of the conversation we had weeks prior to your death.  It was the conversation in which I told you that if you ever got too tired or were in too much pain, that mommy would understand if you needed to move on.  I get so angry at myself for giving you permission to leave me, but your life was full of suffering.  Doctors wanted you on valium six times a day and versed as needed.  We watched as you had more "storms" and just saw the misery in your eyes.  You were so tired and just wore out.  I wanted you to know that you had permission to move on if needed.  I just didn't think you would go so soon.  I thought you would do your magic and that you would pop out of it and be fine like you did so many times before.  We always said "Gabby never does anything she don't want to"  so I know you were ready to move on and I just need to accept that.  Mommy is just being selfish because she don't have you anymore.  I need to learn to be happy for you because you are at peace now and are no longer suffering. 

Mommy will be strong for you and will get through this.  It is going to be difficult, but I know that I can do it.  I never make promises, but I am going to make a promise to you and that promise is that I will get through this.  I have four words for you Gabby and that is "Blink Of An Eye", in other words, someday I believe that I will see you and hold you again and when that time comes, however long it may be, it will be in "Blink Of An Eye".   

Love Always,
Mommy