After you lose a child, your world is filled with grief. For quite sometime after the loss of your child you have a hard time remembering the joys in their life. I guess its your minds way of playing tricks on you. You play over and over in your head the horrible memories of the events that led up to their passing and only the memories in their life that weren't so pleasant. I guess that is why they call it "Grief". I know my daughter's passing is quite recent and up until recently I thought I would never remember the good memories we have of our Gabby.
With each day, I am starting to remember a little bit more of the good days and wonderful memories that she left. I am going to use this post as a journal of those wonderful memories so when I have my bad days I can come back and read this post. This post will help me place those wonderful memories that seem to be lost, back in my head.
Of course, one of the best memories I have of Gabby is the day she was born, June 24, 2009. At that time we were not aware of her diagnosis. The fondest memory is when the doctor placed her in my arms and I held her for the very first time. I couldn't believe I was holding this beautiful baby girl and that something that beautiful was a part of me. I never realized you could love someone so much that you just met. Of course I loved her the whole time she was growing inside me, but when you hold that baby for the first time, the love you feel is unbelievable.
Another vivid memory that is coming back is the first time she was released from the hospital. She was transferred to Cincinnati Children's Hospital two days after she was born and on the third day is when we found out her diagnosis. She was around nine days old when we were first able to take her home to live with us. I remember placing her in her car seat and the nurse checking to ensure I had her in their properly. I remember the ride home as I kept looking back to check on her. She had her "red puppy wubbanub" in her mouth that she loved so much. I remember bringing her into the house and showing her the bassinet that we had for her in our room. She looked so tiny in her bassinet.
At thirteen days old, I remember going to check on Gabby and I was quite shocked when I noticed that she had rolled over onto her side. I had to call everyone and let them know what my baby had just done. I was so proud of her. Gabby loved to roll on her side when she was tiny and loved to sleep in an "s" shape. I would always reposition her because it always looked so uncomfortable, but Gabby would always go back to that "s" position she loved so much.
There were several funny moments in Gabby's life. One memory that I still laugh about was when she was just two weeks old. I was downstairs updating her Caring Bridge website and Gabby was upstairs with her Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma was feeding Gabby and went to burp her. Gabby burped so loud that I heard her downstairs and before I knew what it was, my heart stopped. I thought she had choked but then after hearing Grandma and Grandpa laugh I realized it was a burp. Gabby could put any man to shame when it came to burping. That girl could burp and many times her burps were so loud that they startled her and you couldn't help but laugh.
Then of course there was that smile. She smiled often and even slept with a smile on her face. She loved her big girl beds (crib) and when you would lay her in them, her smile would just take over her face. Her smiles would always make me smile.
Around 5 months old, Gabby began to stand with assistance. She loved to stand and would always stand on your lap. It wasn't long after Gabby was able to stand that she began walking up my chest. She would do it so perfectly. She would take one step in front of the other and would go until she couldn't go any further. If you held her on the ground she would take one step in front of the other and would walk on the ground.
Also, she made the funniest faces. She would always make this face where she would put her lip to the side and wrinkle up her face. We use to call her Elmer Fudd because she looked just like him with that bald head and that wrinkled up face Elmer Fudd always had. I believe they were twins separated at birth.
I remember her first cry like it was yesterday. She was nearly a month old and it was at night. Daddy and I were laying in bed watching television and she just began to cry. I panic because I have never heard this girl cry before and had no idea what to to do. So of course I did what came naturally and picked her up and fed her. This of course stopped the crying. After that, Gabby continued to cry, but only if she was in pain or hungry. Oh, she would cry as well if you got her out of bed and she wanted to sleep.
Not only did Gabby smile, but she laughed as well. That girl had a giggle that was just too adorable. She didn't giggle often but what made her giggle the most is hearing other babies cry. Not sure what she found so fascinating about other babies crying, but she thought it was funny. Sometimes I wonder what went through that girls head to make her do some of the things she did.
How can I forget the fondest memories of all. Those are the memories of how much she loved her daddy. She was definitely a daddy's girl and loved being around him. One of her favorite things to do with daddy was "patty cake". Daddy would do patty cake with her, and Gabby's mouth would open so wide and she would squeal with excitement every time he did it. She loved laying on her daddy's chest and would rub his facial hair continuously.
I can't believe that during this time of grief I was able to remember many of these things. I know there are plenty of other excellent memories that will come back to me in time. Right now I continue to grieve from our loss. You never know one minute from the next on how you are going to be. It is all so new to me, but I know that in time these excellent memories will come back to me and they will be memories that I will cherish forever.
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