As a mother, it is typical to worry about your child. When you are a mother to a special need child, especially one that has a grim prognosis, you find yourself always thinking the worst. I found myself from the day I learned of Gabby's diagnosis that I worried 24/7. The worrying became quite obsessive and even caused great anxiety and emotional problems for me. Most of these worries were instilled by my own thoughts, but they were amplified by the medical world. I remember as if it were yesterday, doctors telling me that we would be lucky if Gabby made it a few months and even luckier if she made it a year. At her first appointment with her specialist, I was told that if Gabby caught even the slightest cold, it would kill her. How am I supposed to act to a comment like that? My immediate reaction was breaking down in tears and swearing that I was going to do everything in my power to ensure Gabby's health.
I became quite obsessive when it came to Gabby's health. Hand sanitizer was kept in every room, only soap purchased was antibacterial, lysol wipes in large quantities, face masks always available, limited access of visitors and when they did visit I supervised them as they washed their hands to ensure they did it properly. Oh, and I can't forget the trips to the grocery store where I sanitized every portion of the cart and then washed my hands afterwards to the point where they were raw. At night, I had to coat my hands in vaseline because they were so raw and cracked from the 100 handwashes a day. When I arrived home from work, I would strip my clothes, shower and put on new clothes prior to handling Gabby. Lets just say that I was a little beyond obsessive. I remember being told by family that I was out of control and that I was being too overprotective. Ok, maybe that was true, but my only child had a severe disability and I wasn't taking a chance on her life.
During Gabby's life, I dealt with many emotional problems and a lot of anxiety. Hiding these emotional issues and anxiety was always a tough thing to accomplish. Every minute of every day I thought the worst. If I got a phone call from my mom while at work (she watched Gabby) I would immediately think the worst. If Gabby got a slight cold I would panic and think she was dying. I can go on and on about these horrible thoughts. They haunted me every waking minute of everyday and haunted me while I slept as well. Everyday I worried as if it was going to be my daughter's last.
On November 26, 2010 my worst fear came true. That was the night we lost Gabby, our precious daughter. I will not go into details as they are too horrible to relive. All I will say is that our daughter gave us great joy for 17 months and 2 days. I don't regret one minute of her life and I wouldn't change a minute of it. It is so funny how your mind continues to play tricks on you. Even though I know she is at peace you still worry about your deceased child. The grieving is all so new to me at this time and I am still trying to find ways to cope. I am going to continue Gabby's blog in her honor. She blessed me with so much and I am so grateful to say that I am Mom to Gabrielle Jane Bauer, a gifted child that accomplished so much in her short life.
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