Wednesday, January 23, 2013

As Time Goes By

Time continues to move forward, the feel of your presence has lessened, and I find myself continuing to struggle on this new journey. Two years, is hardly considered new when it comes to ordinary time, but when it comes to the loss of your only child, two years is only the beginning. It is the beginning of a life-long journey. A journey that changes not only your life, but the person you were. I find myself posting less, but posting requires energy, and for a grieving parent our energy is utilized by getting out of bed, and trying to maintain what normalcy of life we once had. We are not only emotionally drained, but we are physically drained. People often say that the first year of grief is the hardest and if you can make it through that, then you can make it through. For me, the first year was rough, but I feel as if the second year has been tougher. I am not sure why the second year has been more rough. Perhaps the first year brought shock and numbness which helped me through. Perhaps the support from friends and family carried me through. Both of which are now gone. Please don't interpret this as I feel as if I get no support, because I do. The support I once had, has lessend as people move on as they are suppose to. I have moved on as well, but carry the grief on my back. The loss of my daughter remains with me and has become part of my life, it is my history, yet it is my future. When I look in my past I see my daughter, full of life, full of love, and full of hope. When I look in my future I see what should've been Gabby's future...a future of first day of shcool, first dances, first boyfriends, first prom's,high school and college graduation, marriage, grandkids, and so much more. My hopes have now become my fears. Now childless, I must face my future and my fears. The fear of being alone, the fear of who will take care of me in my older age, and who will Gabby's treasures go to. These fears I have learned are common for those who have lost their only chid. Loving again, after losing Gabby has been hard, but I have begin to learn to love again. Loving people is hard, because it means the risk of losing again. I find myself faced by a wall, a wall of protection, one I placed after losing Gabby. This wall slowly comes down step by step. Some steps I knock down bricks, then other times some bricks may go back up. I'm not sure if the wall will ever come completely down, but each brick I move away is a big step in this journey. Many people have come into my life since losing Gabby and their are many people who I have come to love. I am not sure what my future holds. Perhaps my dream of being a mother again will come true someday. My child may no longer be present on this earth, but it doesn't mean she is not alive. Gabby will live as long as I live and will always be my child and a part of my life. Gabby is and will always be my daughter as I will always be her mother.

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