"It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone" ~Rose Kennedy
I am an angel mom. I have lived the pain that most people cannot imagine. A pain, far from any pain imaginable. A pain, that changes your life forever. It has been nine months since I began this new life. It is a life far from my old one and a life I must learn to live.
I have yet to cope with this new way of living. The person I once was...is no longer. I have not been able to identify exactly who the new me is and this is something I fight with daily. I can say that the loss of my daughter has brought many positive changes to my life. I see the beauty in things I never imagined I would. The rain, once an incovience, has become the most beautiful of all things. I imagine the rain as tears falling from heaven as the angels weep for those they miss. I always tell Gabby when the rain falls, that I miss her too. The sun, so warm, reminds me of how much my daughter loved to be in the warmth of its power. It was my daughters means of seeing from the cortical blindness that affected her vision. The moon, has become my nightlight from heaven. It shines its brightness on me as my Gabby watches from above.
After losing Gabby, I never thought there would be any beauty in life, but I was wrong. The world has become more beautiful. I never imagined I would smile again, but just like the tears come, so do the smiles and laughs. I recently found myself having a good day, something I never thought could happen after Gabby left this world. The tears that once fell daily, fall less often. I still struggle with the feeling of lonlieness and it occurs quite often. I could be surrounded by many friends and family, but yet feel so alone. I envy those parents who still have their children. I envy those who get to see their child grow, laugh, play, and do the things I will never get to enjoy with my daughter. I still deal with crying spells and have accepeted the fact that they will hit me without warning and at any place. I believe these days will be a part of my new life and will last until the day I join Gabby.
I have not overcome my child's death, nor do I think I will ever overcome it. I am grateful that my bad days have lessened and I am able to smile, laugh, and see such wonderful beauty in this world. I have a long way to go on this journey but I now have hope, and that is a big step in this journey. I have began to pick up the pieces in my life and although I know I will never be able to pick up all the pieces, what little pieces I have picked up is a great start.
